Sunday, July 18, 2010

I am back HOME!

Sorry for my sudden disappearance. I had to take the kids out of their last week of school and rush home to Cali. My birth mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer last year a couple of days before Thanksgiving. We knew it was bad since Pancreatic Cancer is terminal we just hoped that the chemo would give her a lil bit more of a fight. I have been communicating with her about this over the phone and she made me believe it was not as bad as it was. Not bad meaning she still looked and felt normal but going through chemo. But a week before school ended for the kids I got a phone call, that the chemo has pretty much not done anything. And that the cancer has now spread to her lungs. She was told during her chemo that it was working but I guess the cancer made a stronger comeback. She had to go to the ER a couple of times and that's when they told her they could no longer do anything for her besides making sure she is comfortable. She is now Hospice and have a nurse come to her house to check up on her. She is losing control of her body functions and all the medicine are causing her all kinds of difficulties. She never felt the need to tell me becuz she did not want to worry me but during the phone call I knew it was BAD. So Jorge and I hurried to make plans and got him an emergency leave as soon as we could.
So we were lucky enough to have gotten the leave for Jorge and made the drive to Cali with the kids. The kids were excited to go home since we were already planning on going home for the summer not just to visit my BM but also to see family that we don't see but once a year if we are lucky. Anyway, I guess I am ignorant or just didn't grasp the situation cuz I didn't realize how bad it has been for her physically. I was upset cuz I was led to believe everything was fine...she was doing good..well as good as anyone going through a terminal cancer. HOW STUPID WAS I? I was totally out of the loop and could not describe how I felt seeing her for the first time again. OMG! How could this be? It was such a shock to see her in her state. She was not the same woman I saw a year ago. She was vibrant, full of energy, feisty and a strong strong woman. Now she is a 100 something pounds, frail and really tired. This is not her! Rich told me that it has really only been 3 months until they started seeing the full effect and devastation of the cancer to her physical appearance. It is a fast and horrible disease. When she was first diagnosed the doctors gave her 6 months to 2 years. She is 7 months into that time calculations but just recently have shown the physical effects of it. It is craziness!
She has good days and bad days. The times we were there she was great and in good spirit. I know how tired she must have been but she was putting a good front. She didn't want to sleep or rest when we were there cuz she wanted to spend as much time as she could with us. But it was just not possible all the time. Jorge, myself and the kids went back and forth to Long Beach and Riverside the whole time we were there. We literally had to make an effort and make sure we took the kids out as much as we could and do something fun for them. Not just becuz it is their summer vacation but cuz we knew this situation will have an affect on them. The kids were great and very patient being around my BM as sick as she was. They didn't ask questions or made comments. I think as soon as they saw her they knew how bad the situation was and just knew that grandma was really sick. They both just seem like everything was normal and gave grandma as much loving as they could.
I really don't know how to describe how I am feeling. But I know that it is much harder for Rich and my stepbrother since they are the ones that are always there. They cant escape from what is happening. It is constant and in your face. I feel guilty for not being there, for having the luxury of being able to go home. I am also not as close to her as I could be I guess. I have only began talking to her and getting to know her about 6 or 7 years. And in those years I lived far away. I see her and visit her when we get a chance and most of our conversations are through the phone. So in reality we just bare scratch the surface and we are just getting to know each other. HOW SAD IS THAT? I love her and so so grateful for her. For everything that she has had to give up and do for my sake. I have never blamed her or be mad at her for giving me up. I understand and with all my heart thankful she did the right thing FOR ME. I could never begin to imagine what a hard choice it was for her but she did it for me. To give me a better life and opportunity than what she was able to do at the time. I am GRATEFUL!
I just wish we have more time. I just wish we get to know each other more and grow closer as a mother and a daughter. Instead of having to cram what little time we have getting to know each other. Walking out the door while she sat in the living room I felt sad, guilty and worried. Worried it will be the last time I will see her. Sad cuz anything could happen from here on out and I wont be there next to her. Guilty cuz I cant stay longer to take care of her. I hope I have done a good enough job letting her know how much I care and love her. I hope that I have done enough to comfort her and make her feel loved. I don't know, it is all an emotional roller coaster. I just want her to know and feel I was there for her. I wanted her to feel my love, I hope she felt it.
I know this is all emotional and a bit personal. I don't even know if I am making any kind of sense or explaining myself right. I don't normally share too much here on my blog but this time I did want to share. I needed to let it out. So thank you for putting up with this post and me. Thanks for letting me share something so personal to me. If I could say one last thing, is that PLEASE PLEASE tell the people that you love...YOU LOVE THEM. This crazy thing we call LIFE is short and can be taken away at any moment. Do not waste a moment of it. Live it to the fullest and let those around you know how much you care and love them. Because sometimes you just never know what is around the corner. LOVE YA'LL!


erin said...

i am so very sorry you and your family are having to go through this. you are in our prayers.

A Graywolfe said...

I will tell you being a birthmother myself. I know that she understand how much you love her. She knows that. I just want you to know she know you love her and dont resent her. She knows you were there and did all you needed to do. She will always be apart of your life and the lives of your family. She is very lucky to have had a daugher that did not "hate" her for making the HARDEST decision any woman can make. Giving away the life she just brought into the world. Not knowing what was going to happen to that precious package once the family she chose so carefully took the baby away.

You have given her 7 years I belive you said, of wonderful memories. Of an outcome that a lot of Birth Mothers don't ever get.

I am lucky that I know my daughter and we are best friends. I live in the puget sound and she lives in Eugene so we see each other often. So I know exactly how your mom felt. Anytime you got to see her was special.

Tina said...

Thank you for sharing this with us, I sat and cried as I read it. I lost both my mother and aunt to cancer and it is a terrible disease. I'm sure she knows you love her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Mo said...

Michelle, so sorry to have heard such news. I'm sure she knows you love her and that she felt it while you were visiting. It's such a blow to your heart when a loved one is ill like that. You are all in my prayers.


chenguna said...

Thank you so much ladies for the wonderful comments and support. You dont even know how much I appreciate it! HOpe you all have a great day!

Sasha Holloway said...

Hugs and Prayers for you and your family right now. I am SURE she felt how much you love her during your visit. She knows


janis said...

o michelle!!!!!!!!! i'm speechless. my parents both died of lung cancer. i just read this now, know that i am sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

Katie W. said...

Michelle, I had no idea that you had gone through this. I knew from Facebook that someone was sick a while back.
My Dad has Pancreatic Cancer. He was just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago. We see the oncologist on Thursday morning to find out if it's spread. He's pretty sick already though. I'm scared.
I'm so sorry that you have been dealing with this. I am going to catch up on your blog. I don't forsee that this went well.